Summer Music Festival Prep Guide
It’s finally summer, and what does that mean? It means that bands are coming in DROVES to a field or municipal park near you.
Summer music fests are a wonderful way to hear rad music and enjoy being outdoors. But they come with some impending threats. The typical “no re-entry” regulations can make it difficult to manage a full day (or multi-day) experience without some intelligent prep work.
Put some thought into your planning to ensure that your experience is head-bangingly awesome.
First, carefully consider your festival outfit. Leave the damn romper at home. Yes, it’s so cute with its spaghetti straps and ruffled neckline that highlights your décolletage and feather necklace. But remember: the romper is ONE PIECE. Only consider wearing a romper to a music festival if you are willing to cut an excrement hole into the taint area. It’s bad enough to pee naked with a romper around your ankles in a piss-sprayed, feces-laden porta-potty, but what if you have to poop too? I’d recommend that everyone wear a dress or skirt. (Including you, dudes. Thank Jaden Smith.) If you prefer pants or shorts, remember not to lower them completely to the floor, and work your inner thigh muscles to keep them safely at calf-height as you crouch above a hole of strangers’ shit.
Also, consider rain boots if your festival is anywhere that is not in, say, Death Valley. In heavily-trafficked areas, a light drizzle can mean impromptu mud-wrestling. While your gladiator sandals may be a far more refined choice, they’re gonna look pretty dumb caked in festival mud.*
While you’re packing your day bag — put some a priori thought into your drugs. Most security guards don’t care all that much if you’re toting weed, but maybe leave the heroin syringes at home. And do attempt to hide your stash. If you make it too easy, you WILL get busted. Shove your weed into an empty tampon applicator, or pack edibles. Pills are easy to disguise, although use with caution. Opioids do not pair well with humidity. And be sure you know where the freak-out (technically called the “medic”) tent is.
Bring along some pee accoutrements. Throw a wad of toilet paper in your bag/pocket. You never know when it might come in handy. You might also consider wet cleansing wipes, which can be used not only for wiping privates, but also cleaning up moshing wounds**, sanitizing hands before cheese fries, and mopping up the emotional tears from hearing Neon Indian perform “Lazuli” live. For ladies, another useful pee accessory is the Go Girl — essentially a piss funnel so you can excrete in the mud like the dudes do.
If you’re a Gen Z-er hitting up EDM festivals like Daisy or Rothbury, just bring condoms. We know what happens when you kids get the Molly (in my day we called it Ecstasy and CONTROLLED OURSELVES) in your system. EDM festivals are home to sweat, glow-in-the-dark jewelry… and genital warts.
Throw down for a reserved locker. They are expensive, but make your life SO much easier at music festivals. Twenty-five bucks for daylong locker rental at Riot Fest allows you to stash an umbrella, evening hoodie, previously-mentioned pee funnel, and survival kit of Advil, Immodium, and Gas X (the royal trifecta of over-the-counter festival meds). It may seem like an unnecessary expense, but hey, you’ll spend at least twice that amount on spilled beer.
Be ready to fend off horny choads. Unfortunately, the “festival grope” is all too common. Watch out especially as the day turns into night and festival-goers get a second wind of testosterone from Rob Zombie’s inspiring rendition of the entire Astro-Creep: 2000 album. While cis men are often the worst offenders here, it’s not uncommon for groping to span the gender continuum. No one is immune. Work on your push-ups in the weeks prior to the festival. A sharp elbow jab and vocal shaming can do wonders to fend off potential molesters. (If you happen to be skilled at martial arts, cardio-kickboxing, or projectile vomiting — feel free to incorporate your weapon of choice.) Support each other and call out any festival douchebaggery you witness. It’s super satisfying to loudly mock the wiener size of these jags.
Earplugs! So, to be fair: earplugs are for pussies. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS. But really, you should still use them. Bonus: You won’t have to listen to the group of bros behind you in line for falafel complaining about the lack of craft beer offerings.
You’re set! Go forth and rock your fucking brains out! It’s summer!
* Festival mud is far worse than regular mud because it contains substantial portions of drunk pee and cigarette ash.
**Is that still a thing? Do the kids mosh?
